Ejaculatory Choice: 8 Reasons Why I Encourage You To Give It A Try
by Vishwas Chavan on June 18, 2016
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“I practice ejaculatory choice, and I have chosen not to ejaculate every time I make love.”
Whichever forum I say this in, unless it’s with people who already practice this approach, people seem surprised, shocked even. The expression of disbelief on their face is a sure sign they don’t quite get what I’m talking about.
Why on earth would a man choose not to ejaculate when making love? What does it even mean to have ejaculatory choice?
Ejaculatory choice is an empowering of a man to fully control whether or not he is going to ejaculate during intercourse. And if he is choosing to ejaculate he is able to decide when, so it happens in a moment of awareness and presence. To practice ejaculatory choice we need a conceptual shift in the understanding of our sexuality. The sexual energy can be transformed into other aspects of our life and character, thereby enhancing the overall quality of our life including self-love.
The misconception about ejaculation
We live in a society where ejaculation is considered as a way of expressing man’s masculinity. It is like a signature act that every man must perform each time he is engaged into lovemaking. This conception - or rather unfortunate misconception - about ejaculation is so deeply rooted that the sligthest deviation or an act of non-ejaculation is considered as a sin.
Most men can’t even conceive of the thought of not ejaculating in lovemaking. And if it has happened to them for some reason, maybe a lack of erection, they seem to view it as a failure of performance, as if something is wrong with them.
During my early adulthood, I too was the victim of this collective thinking and understanding of being a man. Fortunately for me, I came in contact with masters such as Osho and other tantric guru’s in India, who helped me to reformat my understanding of an authentic man. And one thing that I clearly understood from their teachings and discourses is that there are lots to gain when you consciously practice ejaculatory choice.
I have practiced ejaculatory choice for around 3 decades now, and I clearly feel the impact of deviating away from the habit, or rather addiction, of ejaculation being the end of lovemaking or self-pleasure.
Containing energy through ejaculatory choice
In the very beginning of practicing ejaculatory choice, it wasn’t always easy to stick to this choice, which is in direct contradiction to the social norms. There were surely phases and instances when I was tempted enough to give in to the moment and the addictive nature of craving the ejaculation. But I chose to stay with it to experience the benefits the masters have talked about.
My first brush with the ancient knowledge of tantra was through an Indian mystic called Osho. Being from the same city of Pune, India, I had attended several of his discourses. Through these discourses, and later on through his books, I was convinced that containing the sexual energy (meaning not ejaculating), offers numerous benefits. Benefits, which will not be available to us in the same measures, when we allow ourselves to be controlled by the habitual tendency to ejaculate in every lovemaking or self-pleasure.
Sexual energy is life-force energy. It is the energy on which the health of an individual is dependent upon. Each time we ejaculate, we waste this energy that could be used for some better purposes.
In various tantric scriptures, and also in some of the modern books on this topic, such as those by Osho, Barry Long, Mantak Chia, and others, you can read more about the benefits of containing the sexual energy.
These resources are so powerful, and when I feel myself drifting away from the practice, going back to these books and scriptures to re-establish my confidence and alliance with this age-old proven approach, it helps in getting back on track.
8 reasons why I continue to practice ejaculatory choice
When questioned as to how I managed to implement the practice of ejaculatory choice and continue to stick with it, there are eight reasons that come to my mind.
1. Erection is a non-issue
Early on in my practice, I realized that having an erection is not essential to make love. Erection is needed when ejaculation is a goal or target; if you need the ejaculation to feel it has been succesful lovemaking.
This brings pressure of performance and can result in both a loss of erection or premature ejaculation, and therefore a sense of dissatisfaction and low sexual self-confidence.
When you embrace ejaculatory choice, there is no goal to be reached, no end to seek, and there’s no pressure of performance. Being freed from this imprisonment of the century old social conditioning that erection is essential for making love, made me more soulful, authentic, relaxed and original in making love to my partner.
I did not have to fake my sexuality or prove my ability of being a man through maintaining an erection. This actually helps in empowering the true or authentic masculine powers within.
2. Longer duration in making love
Who doesn’t want to be able to make love for longer?
Both men and women are born lovers and can spend unlimited time into the act of making love. Woman needs time to truly open to herself and to her partner, and usually much more time than she is getting in conventional lovemaking. Men are often too focused on the momentary orgasm called ejaculation.
Since he is always in the future acting or working for a goal of ejaculation, he is not available to himself or to his partner in the present moment. This absence of presence brings huge frustration to a woman, and many women end up loosing interest in sex. If the man can be present during lovemaking, woman will be more willing to be vulnerable and expose herself and her desires.
Once I overcame the addiction to ejaculation, I started paying attention to other aspects of lovemaking, e.g. touching, sensing, eye-gazing, communication, exploring other body parts, energy circulation within myself and between me and my partner.
Further, when my partner’s vagina sensed that my penis had dropped being greedy and selfish, she started becoming more and more receptive. With the relaxation and expansion it brought to the vagina, my penis attained a different quality of erection; and with the practice of stillness and awareness, the penis was able to stay in the vagina for a longer duration of time.
This helped me to elevate myself from an attempt of making love to being in a state of love. Thus, for me even the sheer presence of my lover is an act of lovemaking. As my partner started to sense this newfound detachment for ejaculation, she became more and more reciprocal to my loving advances.
3. Overcoming fear, anger, control issues & anxiety
Men predominantly have a fear of loosing erection. As an outcome, men behave in a dominant manner, because they want to shoot the semen before they loose their erection. If they fail to maintain erection, the sadness results into anger and anxiety.
This fear, anger and anxiety not only affect the quality of lovemaking, or the bond of love between you and your beloved, it also influences the way you behave in society. Your social character and conduct, and thereby your professional achievements, are intrinsically linked to the quality of lovemaking.
Overcoming the habit of ejaculation has helped me to become calmer, more relaxed and deeply rooted within myself. The level of fear about my abilities dropped, thus enhancing my self-confidence. Anger about not having enough, or not being able to do what I wanted also lowered. I was able to let go. This renewed sense of detachment helped in reducing the level of anxiety, and benefits me personally as well as in my professional life.
4. Presence, patience & perseverance
After a few years into my practice of ejaculatory choice, I realized the influence in other areas of my life. I clearly started to feel a better connection with myself. As this connection solidified, the level of awareness significantly improved, and so did my state of being present. The tendency of traversing too much into the future and unending expectations reduced drastically. The end result was enhanced patience and perseverance.
5. Activation and empowerment of chakras (energy centers)
Ever since hearing about the role of energy centers in our life, I’m keenly interested in making sure my chakras are energetically optimized, well balanced, and the energy moves freely.
Prior to the practice of ejaculatory choice, I often experienced a stagnation of energy at the base chakra (muladhara). Through the practice, this stagnant energy slowly began to move upward. Initially, there were blockages in the central energy channel, which draws this energy upward, and this experience can be frightful. With time, the flow of energy became seamless and a source of pleasure. NowI experience this upward traversing of energy from the base chakra all the way up to the crown chakra (Sahasrara).
This helps in expanding the qualities or characters governed by the higher chakras such as self-confidence, self-love, visualization, communication, fearless expression, and increased intuition. Ofcourse this is not a one-time job but a continual process. Therefore a long-term commitment into practicing ejaculatory choice, and a refinement of the practice, is needed.
6. Higher levels of energy and increased creativity
Activating the energy centers allows you not only to move the energy upwards but also to use this energy for constructive and creative purposes. For instance, stretching beyond normal working hours, working under stressful situations and yet keeping cool, creating at its best.
You may find it hard to believe that all this can happen simply by choosing to ejaculate less (or not ejaculate at all). I assure you it’s possible. On top of that, people often comment on my radiance or the special glow on my face, and I smile in acknowledgement of the reason why.
These and many other impacts of the conservation of life-force energy, its recirculation and reutilization is something that can’t be explained, it can only be experienced. If not for anything, but for these influences it is a worthwhile attempt to practice ejaculatory choice.
7. Opportunity for healing
When relinquishing the goal of lovemaking to be ejaculation, the pace usually becomes slower, more conscious and with less friction. In time, and with practice, the overcharge of the penis will transform into sensitiveness. This opens up for the penis to regain its lost healing powers. This literally means it becomes an instrument to help your partner heal from past traumas or frustrations; to help her let go of fears, emotions and memories creating tensions in the vagina.
Such a purification process happens with or without an erection, but to reach the deeper parts of the vagina a semi-full or full erection is needed. Please read the book Slow sex by Diana Richardson for more in-depth insights into this process of sexual healing.
For me this ability of facilitating healing through lovemaking is a blessing I would not want to be without. The world would be a much more peaceful, happy and blissful place to live, if every single human being took this approach to making love.
8. Lovemaking becomes an experience of orgasmic meditation
When Osho, the Indian mystic sage, spoke about the possibility of experiencing super consciousness (Samadhi) through lovemaking I was one of the skeptics who did not believe it at first. However, through years of practicing ejaculatory choice, of becoming more relaxed and present, I experience glimpses of deep and sustained orgasm.
Most people understand orgasm for men as an event linked to ejaculation. In reality, human beings are capable of experiencing a state of orgasm, which can last much longer than the short-lived conventional orgasm. Such a state has a sense of timelessness and is similar to what you experience during meditation. Lovemaking becomes a meditation that leaves you regenerated and fulfilled.
Each of these eight reasons is powerful enough in their own rights to embrace ejaculatory choice. So even if you are only convinced with one reason, or just feel curious to explore, I encourage you to embrace ejaculatory choice as part of your sexuality.
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